Talk:Jamie Tait-Glossop

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A Diary of Sorts

I realize that it seems attention-seeking, bizarre or otherwise negative for me to be putting a repository of my deepest teen angst on such a public platform. I know some day I'll come back here and think 'wow, I was so dramatic and edgy in high school', and that's kind of the point. I often forget, when feeling one way or another, that I ever felt any differently. By putting my emotions in a place so unavoidable, so public, I force myself to see, when I am feeling well, that there are times that I have felt bad. How I feel is valid, but it is also temporary. Bad times are just times, and should be remembered like any other times. And if anyone's reading this, don't ever feel ashamed of how you feel, don't try and forget or force down memories of the hard times in your life. Anyone who says they weren't angsty or dramatic as a teen is still trying to work through some things. Life is crazy. Embrace your struggles. Without them, the good times wouldn't be any fun.--Jamie Tait (talk) 12:56, 18 September 2020 (EDT)

I hope that some day, before I leave this club, I can bring its members some relief from the pain I have caused them. I hope that some day, I can be a part of this club without having to apologize or try to make amends as my primary action at all times. I just hope that some day I can exist without hurting people --Jamie Tait (talk) 22:29, 29 June 2020 (EDT)

I had a dream that some friends and I were at a seedy strip club that was several floors underground at this very gross looking little motel shack type thing on the side of a rural highway. The elevator swung back and forth in the elevator shaft and I remember Settia remarking to me 'I've nearly fallen down the elevator more times than I've even come to this place'. The place itself wasn't that remarkable, it was just this giant room with flickery lighting and that gross off-white linoleum floor, but I don't remember much else We went outside and it was snowing heavily, there were several feet of snow on the ground, and a car driving on the highway hit some black ice and slid into a snowbank, and we helped them out, so they said to settia and I 'Being careful will take away the mistakes that give you a full life. In the end the mistake that kills you isn't going to be your own.' We helped their car out of the snowbank and they drove off, so Settia and I shoveled the snowbank back a bit so it wasn't so close to the side of the road. Then we got in our car and drove away, and everything along the way was like, the stereotypical super-run-down shitty small town and dilapidated American shithole look, eventually we drove for long enough that there wasn't snow anymore, and we stopped for gas at this gas station in the middle of nowhere that also had a giant grocery store with a massive parking lot. We were the only ones there, that includes employees, everything was automated. We didn't go to the grocery store. Then we left, this time I was driving, and Settia turned on the radio to this station that was playing some sort of really messed up religious hymn type thing. We listened to it for what seemed like an eternity as we drove down the road which was now completely straight and had nothing on either roadside. It kept getting louder, until it eventually stopped and everything went dark What followed can only be described as 'extremely uncomfortable and surreal sexual imagery', the likes of which I can't explain. It was like something out of an indie art film, it was just a neverending abstract mess of various abstract sexual innuendos that lasted upwards of ten in-dream hours. This hasn't been the first surreal and weird dream I've had recently, but I've decided to start writing them down so that I can remember them better. --Jamie Tait (talk) 01:00, 5 June 2020 (EDT)

I went back into the real world today, that was weird. Barely anything's really changed, people are nothing if not adaptable, but I really haven't left the house since March. Besides driving back and forth to our surgical mask drop-off, my orthodontist has been the furthest I've ventured from my house since I went to Jo's back in early April. At that point, there was still snow on the ground. It felt nice to be in the city again, instead of my gross white people suburbs. Unfortunately that meant going to the orthodontist and now I have these stupid elastics that clamp my jaw shut, but hopefully I'll have the damn things off sooner. Luckily this is happening at a time where I don't have to see other humans, though my mom already finds them hilarious. Not sure how I'll practice bassoon with them on. --Jamie Tait (talk) 10:27, 4 June 2020 (EDT)

I'm beginning to come to terms with the fact that it is likely that no one will wish to reintegrate me into their lives once the quarantine is over. An incredible amount of emotional labour has been graciously donated to me by many individuals, both in and out of OCESS. Said efforts were more feasible to maintain when life was simpler, and people could commit their time to smaller acts of charity, and those efforts are still maintained by a select few, most likely due to both their sense of selflessness, and more free time. It won't be hard to get used to being without a group again, but I still curse myself for getting lazy in just passively accepting such a fortunate situation into my life. I just took the idea, of being allowed into this group, too much for granted and as a part of normal life. Perhaps some very dedicated and selfless individuals will remain, perhaps they won't. I'm prepared for any outcome. I like to think that I've done a good enough job of proving my usefulness to certain groups that I will be allowed to stay in the proximity to provide them some service. Nothing makes me happier than being allowed to contribute, and OCESS has given me the incredible privilege of doing so, no matter how hard I had to lie in order to get to. Sometimes it makes me sad thinking that after this quarantine, there might not be people who will allow me their company, but all in all I think it's an okay return to equilibrium. The privilege has made me stray too far into self-absorption and away from any sense of duty I may have once had, and this will hopefully be enough of a slap in the face to make me productive again. Hard work is its own reward! --Jamie Tait (talk) 23:26, 3 June 2020 (EDT)

OCESS is already in a rough place, and I wish it didn't have to be run by a complete fraud. It seems that my ability to con myself into unfortunate situations had reared its head again last year when I was chosen by Ben and Kai to be educom this year, but how in the actual FUCK did I manage to trick everyone so hard that they actually willingly chose me again? I thought I was just trying to do what's best for Spacesim, but I guess that was wrong too. Do I even actually care what's best for them? I don't know what's best for the club, and I should stop pretending that I do. I guess it's just another example of me thinking that I'm the ultimate authority on something, that no one else knows what's good for them and I need to take the reins to steer them to deliverance. Maybe if I didn't have such a fucking god complex then I could just stop destroying this fucking club for once and realize my place. For now, that place is Education Commander, for whatever reason. I've pulled the long con, and now everyone thinks I'm suited for such a prestigious place. Why am I such a fucking liar? I can't step down now or I'll be worse, thinking I know what others want. And I want to be here too, I really do. I've wanted to be commander since I joined Spacesim. I just never belonged here. It was a dream, and somehow they've gone and chosen the most incompetent, self-serving, irresponsible, lying sack of shit that they could have chosen to lead them. The least I can do is try to make up for what I've done. I want to do for the club, I love them all even if I know they've all fallen for my stupid good-person facade, they're my family. They deserve the world, but I can't give it to them. I can't give them shit, no matter how much I want to. I don't even know if I want to! Maybe I just think I want to help people because I want them to think I'm a good person so I can keep abusing everyone. Some day I'll know for sure, but I probably won't like it. --Jamie Tait (talk) 22:34, 2 June 2020 (EDT)

It's funny what people can get used to over time. 2020's compounding bullshit is just becoming fine to everyone, and I'm equal parts relieved and stunned by it. I remember thinking in February, after Hindsight got fucked up by the school board, 'well, things cannae get worse', so of course the World was like 'hold my beer', and things got worse. I guess it's super privileged of me to think that having my school club messed up, and then being stuck at home is 'worse', but just like, the world over things seem to be getting crazier. If anyone (somehow) is reading this in the future, yesterday the US President he-who-shall-not-be-named declared a military takeover of the entire country, due to protests against police brutality and racism. All of these giant, protesting crowds (for a good cause, mind you, I would support them any other day), are gathering in large cities in the midst of the largest viral pandemic in recorded history, which is hitting the US harder than any other country. And now Canada is joining too! Tav said at the last worksession call that he's going to the protest here in Ottawa, that's happening this coming Friday. Feigned anger at him missing a worksession aside, people are gonna get sick. We've seen 'superspreaders' tear through entire communities, from something as simple as a church sermon or a choir rehearsal. I can't even begin to fathom how many deaths are going to be inevitably caused by these anti-death protests. Everything's so complicated, and I'm just some 17-year-old trying to run a high school club while all of its members spiral into depression around me. I hope that you, whoever's reading this some time in the future, are living in a simpler time. I hope that the world comes together and forgets their differences and works towards a common goal and life becomes good again. Not just good for the rich and privileged, for everyone. Who knows, maybe it was all thanks to you. Cheers, stranger. --Jamie Tait (talk) 14:04, 2 June 2020 (EDT)

Migraines are making sleep impossible again so I might as well say what's on my mind. I don't want this club to be a joke. This club is a monumental and important piece of education both past, present and future. This wiki is one of our few 'connections' to the outside world, and yet it seems to be a controversial opinion that the 'joke' parts of the wiki and the serious parts should remain separate. I don't even mean real partitions, just that comedic and serious material should remain on separate pages, even if said pages are linked. A colleague told me that 'this club has never been, is not, and won't be serious', but I don't see how not wanting blatant (and rather crass) memes posted on actual scientific information pages should be something worth a lengthy and exhausting argument (Bowling Pin Argument). This is a serious club, there are just some individuals who have never thought to see it as anything but a place to paste their funny ha-has all over and call anyone who doesn't like it stupid. I'm getting sick and tired of the stupid fucking arguments I have to get into over the most banal shit on a regular basis. This is a world/time where everything seems to be a distraction from the bigger, more important things you should be doing, which are also just distractions endlessly, to the point where finding the 'right thing to do' is damn near impossible. I've found something to do, but is it right? Maybe I'm just being too controlling again. I have no place limiting the freedoms of my colleagues, but I believe that it is my duty as Commander to do what I believe will advance our club, and I think doing that involves projecting a better image. I hate that the microcosm had to happen at 4 am on a Sunday while I'm six coffees down and having someone jackhammer my skull, but Change works in mysterious ways and I guess she decided today was when I was going to learn about our club's conflicting interests. I want to move on to bigger and better things, but I don't know if my idea of 'bigger and better' is the direction that others want to take. The fucking sun is rising. I can't believe myself, I said I would go to bed at 2200 and that was nearly seven hours ago. Tl;dr I don't know if I'm being a stuck-up asshole about my wiki content standards, and my head hurts. --FaraFellow (talk) 04:42, 31 May 2020 (EDT)

I dreamt of OCESS electoral reform from the moment I was chosen as Education Commander in 2019. It's a desperately needed change for the club, and I realize that. I know that having this club choose its own leadership is pivotal to progress and quality hierarchy going forward. What I don't understand is why this choice included myself. I would be foolish to ignore my contributions to the club, but my performance, reception and general competency as a leader have failed to meet the standards of previous hierarchies, training, member intake, mission preparedness, and our treasured team of Alumni. I will not step down, despite my occasional desire to do so, as I believe that my title within the club shouldn't affect my ability to try my best and do what I can to uphold the integrity of my position until such a time as it can be taken by another. OCESS is in the midst of a difficult time and I do not believe that I am the Education Commander that it needs or deserves, but I am the one that it has. If this is read by any future members of OCESS, please know that I tried my best, and that I hope that whatever leaders come after me are as good as the club deserves. Sometimes democracy has its downsides, but who am I to question what my colleagues decide? --FaraFellow (talk) 16:54, 30 May 2020 (EDT)